In a Neverending State of Flux (enigmatics) wrote in ask_manda,
In a Neverending State of Flux
enigmatics
ask_manda

I put this in my private journal..... when I reference Thursday night just know that it was the worst night of my life.......

I hate to rehash what was a terrible weekend for me..... with the exception of one moment where I felt good (Dolphins game)...... but something is bothering me hardcore and I'm bouncing between thoughts of whether it's salvageable or not.....

Thursday night as all of you know, was a night I never want to have again..... It was so bad I laid in bed most of the following day contemplating my life and the lingering effects of a stupid mistake I made..... When the night rolled around I decided to join my friend Jeff and this girl Erin for some dinner at Sakura..... To try and shake myself out of my funk I decided to give this girl Vanessa a call whom I met the weekend prior....

She was eager to see what I was up to so I decided to invite her and her friends to dinner with us.....Even though there weren't really any other guys there for her friends to flirt with, she went out of her way to make sure they came..... at dinner it was totally on between us.... the flirting, little physical things, eye contact.... everything was perfect.... went to a late night/birthday party for a friend of hers where she maintained such a high level of attention..... there were people around, but it was more like it was just the two of us.... conversation started breaking off irrelevant things to how guys only consider her a friend....it was funny because as she was talking about one of the guys (who I know), he shows up.....I did my thing to assert her without saying directly that I'll change that for her....

Seriously she let her friends go and do their own thing, she leaves with me to go back to my place to hang out a little and do some peppermint patty shots......and then that's when I fucked it up....... and it really had nothing to do with her......

My roommates happened to be home and for some reason they wouldn't leave the living room...There was no way I was gonna pull that whole sleezy, "Hey let's go watch movies in my room" bullshit....... I thought for sure they'd get the hint and go into their rooms without me having to say anything, but I was wrong...... and I started to get bitter about it...... Now I want to clarify at this point I was pretty drunk...... I had such a bad day prior that all that saki and a few of those shots started to bring out this anxiety about what had happened..... and to make matters "seem" worse Vanessa sort of just sat there on the couch watchin' television with my roommates. 45 minutes passed and I started to get pretty mad about it..... I felt like a third wheel.......ended up sort of slamming the door as I walked outside for a moment and it was safe to say I left my roommates wondering what was going on, if they had said something wrong, and Vanessa was worried she did something wrong....

Her and I ended up going outside to walk her to her car where I figured she'd just leave and never talk to me again........ to my surprise she wanted to sit down and talk about it..... She wanted to make sure I didn't think badly of her, hell she didn't even know what was going on. And that's when my stupid, drunken self was at his worst. I told her I had gotten upset because it seemed like she was zoning me out in there..... I told her I am not into games, that I "don't do this" and all this stuff that really had nothing to do with the real reason I was upset.

See now this was the only time we had hung out besides the late night I met her at and I had just committed the worst sin ever when it comes to you ladies..... I came off as over-sensitive and reading into things..... something which I have trained myself never to do in the presence of you women.... I may do it behind closed doors but I certainly never ever ever saying anything in person...... I fucked up big time....... She even told me I was reading into things and that she just wants to pretend that this little mess up never happened....... It sorta had this feeling that she really loved everything about the evening and that messup confused her.....she seemed like she didn't know whether to consider me just a dumb ass or that I made a stupid mistake, one she was willing to forgive.... You never know when somebody tells you "Let's pretend it didn't happen"....

After talking a while I told her I didn't want to embarrass myself anymore that I already fucked up and I walked her to her car..... she got in and sat down for a moment, but didn't drive off....she was still dumbfounded as to what happened..... I managed to calm things down a bit, put on a smile, and joke about how stupid I was being...... she still wouldn't leave even when I backed up from her door and said "alright go then" .....she look like she wanted me to say something....I continued to apologize one more time and then went to kiss her goodnight.... we ended up kissing for around 15 minutes or so......

After the kiss, I backed away from her car and told her I wouldn't keep her from her bed anymore and she gave me that look again..... that "What is going on here? You asshole why'd you have to ruin a spectacular night???" look again..... I looked at her with my eyes trying to relay again that I was sorry and that was that...she drove off...... I was feeling so down about this the next day, as if I wasn't down enough already..... I called her around 3pm to try and talk to her again with my heart sitting in my hand...... around 8pm till hadn't talked to her and figured I had sealed my own fate....but she called....around 9:30pm apologizing for not getting my messege earlier.... asked me what I was doing for the night...... we never ended up hanging out......and I still never got to apologize to her for what was really bothering me the night I got mad...... I wanted to soooo badly, but when she called me back I just kept the phrase in my head that she said to me, "Let's pretend that it didn't happen" ......so I didn't want to rehash that bad moment......

What do ya'll think???? I know it's going to come down to a cut and dry call her again and if she responds she responds.....and if she doesn't she doesn't....... but it bothers me alot because my roommates made an observation the other night about Vanessa...... both Jeanette and Andrea thought that she was just like me...... I can't begin to tell you how much I had been thinking that the whole night...... and how long I have been looking for something remotely close to that....... found it..... and fucked it up........

If she was going to just forget about me would she have sat down on the stairs on her way out to discuss it??? Wouldn't she have just left without talking about anything, especially without kissing me for a while???? And trust me....this was no forced kissed... I just leaned in to kiss her on the cheek and we both participated in a good kiss..... I've lost alot of sleep over this and my bad weekend ...... Overall, my little mess up had nothing to do with anything she did..... but I was drunk, still deeply upset about the previous night, and starting to feel like things were going sour when she just sat out on the couch and watched tv with my roommates.....so it all just got to me...........Is this repairable???? ........any input is appreciated......
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