So, I finally got over Zach. When I met Keith, I got over Zach. And then I had this conversation with Zach last week, and it made me CRY. I was so fucking hurt. Bawling like a baby. Zach had never, ever said anything like that to me before. Ever. Here it is.
Manda(10:35:51 PM): Thank you! Did you want to come up this weekend, or no?
Manda(10:36:12 PM): You can stay til Monday if you wanted, as I don't have class.
Zach (10:40:06 PM): LOL I wouldn't dream of interfering.
Zach(10:40:21 PM): It sounds like you will be seeing a lot of each other this weekend.
Manda(10:36:36 PM): Zachary Hollis Nathan.
Manda (10:36:43 PM): STOP BEING JEALOUS! =p
Manda(10:36:54 PM): We saw each other two days in a row
Zach(10:40:42 PM): *shrugs*
Manda (10:37:35 PM): I want to spend time with YOU which is why I invited you. And anyways, he's going camping with some friends. Which is good because I wanted you to come up anyways. So...shhh!!!! <# *hugs*
Manda(10:37:38 PM): <3
Zach(10:42:01 PM): *hugs*
Zach(10:42:27 PM): I don't know though, all I would hear about is your three boyfriends.
Manda(10:38:46 PM): >_<
Manda(10:39:04 PM): I see.
Manda(10:39:35 PM): Well, if you don't want to come, Zach, then don't.
Manda(10:40:12 PM): Just forget I asked
Zach(10:44:24 PM): I'm sorry, Manda. I thought you would be busy.
Manda(10:40:47 PM): No
Manda(10:41:00 PM): I cleared my weekend in the off chance you would decide to come
Manda(10:41:17 PM): there is the county fair going on this weekend and everything
Zach(10:45:16 PM): when is it?
Manda(10:41:29 PM): But whatever
Manda(10:41:35 PM): all weekend
Manda(10:41:47 PM): it started a week ago tonight and ends Sunday
Zach(10:46:32 PM): I see.
Manda(10:43:12 PM): I thought that if you decided to come up it would be fun
Manda(10:43:33 PM): But it doesn't matter if you don't want to come up
Zach(10:49:08 PM): Manda, may I call you?
Manda(10:45:27 PM): why?
Zach(10:51:07 PM): nevermind... I need some time to think.
Zach(10:51:10 PM): I'll either let you know later tonight or in the morning.
Manda(10:47:37 PM): well I will call you later
Manda(10:47:54 PM): I have to call Holly
I didn't really have to call Holly...I promised Keith I'd call him back and I was afraid if I told him I was calling Keith (one of the aforementioned three boyfriends, I'm sure!) he'd lash out again. But I called, and he apologized profusely. So, he came up last weekend and we had A GREAT TIME. But I noticed he'd been acting a bit odd...more affectionate, insisting on spending money on me... things like that. I brushed it aside as overly apologetic for the outburst of last week. Then, Tuesday night, he says that he has been having intense feelings for me. But they're aren't romantic and he's not in love with me, he has just been being weird. Okay....? So, I say let's not talk for a few days and see how you feel. So, later- today- the whole situation sinks in and I miss him like crazy. As a friend. I have a new boyfriend, and Jason treats me SO well...he's kind, nice, sweet, respectful...I am not going to fuck it up. Jason deserves to be treated well so that is what I am going to do. SO anyways...I call Zach and it basically comes out that, no, sorry, he IS in love with me and he DOES have romantic feelings. And he says all this stuff and something came out about how he can't picture me the same way after knowing I had sex with Jason. There's been a loss of innocence. That was when I started to cry. And I feel totally awful. I have really fucked this boy over, unknowingly and unintentionally. Not my fault, this I know...plus, it's so ironic that only NOW should he start having feelings for me...fuck, this sucks. Not because I want to be with him and the timing sucks. But because so much pain is involved. I do not want Zach anymore. Except as a very good, dear, close friend. *sigh* So, we aren't going to talk for a few weeks. He needs space, and time. Maybe I do, too? All I know is, I haven't cried that hard since Chris Graves and I broke up.
and then night before last:
Manda (11:50:33 PM): i'm deleting you from my friends lists for now. It's kind of too hard to see you online and not talk to you...for now. Don't reply, and don't take offense. It's just easier for me.
Zach: (12:01:13 AM): i hurt
Manda(11:58:16 PM): well so do I. Especially when you said you don't think of me the same way after Tuesday as you did before.
Manda(11:58:27 PM): this is hard for BOTH of us.
Mnada (12:02:45 AM): Innocence has NOTHING to do with virginity. Nothing...I am still the same person you've always known. That was hands down the most hurtful and thoughtless thing I have ever heard you say. I don't think you know how much it hurt me to hear you say that.
Manda (12:03:00 AM): but I didn't want to get to talking. so I am signing off
and then, an email he sent. For reference...Heather is a work colleague. She's very bohemian and a lesbian, so...unfortunately, no chance of a love connection.
Manda, it is unfair, though understandable, to condemn
me for a piece of my attempt to explain my emotions
and thoughts after you have been insistent on finding
out what they are and said I should not be afraid to
tell you. I accept that mine are irrational and
hurtful. They are raw. I am certain that any
psychological conflicts I may have about your sexual
life will dissolve when I have escaped from this
unrelated hell I have trapped myself in. I have
stopped eating and sleeping, and just going to the
grocery store is difficult. This afternoon I shall
start taking an antidepressant, but they sometimes
take weeks to start working. Saturday I am going to
either a natural history museum or a street festival
with Heather, so that will give at least a little
social interaction. But at the end of the day, I
blame myself for this situation. I should have made
more and better attempts to get involved at the
university. So if condemning me for one aspect of my
emotional turmoil is helpful, I accept it. Despite
whatever feelings I have or am trying not to have,
know that I am truly glad things have been going so
well for you in all respects apart from my own
direction. Your happiness is extremely important to
me, and I am deeply sorry my problems have soured someof your happiness.
-Not Quite Human
i feel like dying inside. this is like the fucking twilight zone.
I replied, explaining how I just never feel good enough or smart enough or pure enough for him. And he sent an e-card apologizing and I sent HIM an ecard to reply, telling him I don't know how I feel or what I want except that I feel I love and miss him AS A FRIEND and that I want him to be in my life.
And I really don't know how I feel. Or what I want. I'm soo confused. I just started a monogamous, steady relationship with Jason- someone I really like and care for. I lost my virginity to this boy. And it's like...scary. I don't want a boyfriend to tear apart my friendship with Zach, if that is even what is happening. What do I do? Does anyone have a guess as to how I feel? Cuz I don't know!